President Donald Trump is pretty sure he just had the most perfect MRI of all time, but he can’t quite seem to remember what part of his most perfect body was scanned.
This, of course, raises not one, but two, health concerns: Which health condition is the president hiding that required a magnetic resonance imaging test, and which health condition is the president unwittingly revealing when he can’t seem to recall why he even had an MRI?
He did remember, however, to be a jerk to the female reporters who asked about it, personally attacking one by explaining that he does absolutely know what part of his body was not scanned. Per Trump, no one has shoved his large orange-slathered noggin into an MRI machine because his brain is perfect since he “aced” a cognitive test. He got a “perfect” score, which he told one reporter she would “be incapable of doing.”
Yes, Trump is still running around bragging about his cognitive abilities, seemingly unaware that he’s bragging about having been given the basic cognitive test to check for cognitive impairments such as dementia.
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Back in his first term, Trump’s unreleased tax returns arguably represented everything we knew was bad about him, but didn’t have specifics for. Much like this mysterious MRI, Trump was forever promising those tax returns would be released at some point in the future, all the while fighting to stop them from ever seeing the light of day.
Fast-forward eight years, and it seems quaint to care about that. Trump’s second-term corruption is so open and obvious that seeing his tax returns wouldn’t really tell us anything we don’t already know. When the House finally released six years of Trump’s returns, including those from his first term, in 2022, it wasn’t as much a revelation as a confirmation: Trump’s a tax cheat who is bought and paid for.
During Trump’s second term, the mysterious yet perfect yet still unknown MRI results serve the same function as the quest for his tax returns did: We all know there is something very bad regarding Trump’s health, but we don’t have specifics about it.
What we do have, though, is evidence of someone falling apart while insisting everything is totally fine and normal.
Is it normal for the president to take a little unscheduled wander along the White House rooftop?
Is it normal that the president keeps insisting that his creepy, heavily bruised, disintegrating hand is totally just from lots of handshaking, as if Donald J. Trump were the first president to shake a lot of hands? Or that after confirming Trump was diagnosed with chronic venous insufficiency, which was glaringly obvious from his visibly swollen ankles, the White House tried to claim that it is also the reason for the creepy hand?
Is it normal that the president is using the r-word to slur a Democratic elected official—who just happened to be the vice presidential candidate in the 2024 election?
Hilariously, that attack on Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz seems to have backfired, with Walz, unruffled, responding “Release the MRI results.”
While Trump has a history of vulgar name-calling, his other recent behavior is raising eyebrows.
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He’s out here pardoning people but he can’t say who they are or why he’s doing it. He falls asleep during meetings and then gets furious if people point that out. Yes, Donald, the radical left conspired to make you fall asleep on camera.
Additionally, last time we checked, neither chronic venous insufficiency nor oodles of handshaking explain Trump’s ongoing decompensation when talking to female reporters, calling one “piggy” and another “insubordinate” for daring to do their jobs and ask him questions.
Sure, it would be great to pry loose those MRI results. These days, you can assume a New York Times reporter probably already has them, but needs to keep it quiet until they secure a blockbuster second-term tell-all book deal.
And, in the end, what would those results reveal that we don’t already know?
