We hear you—just because it’s lunchtime doesn’t mean you’re slacking off. Lunch is an opportunity to work even harder on your gains. So get ready for the new HealthGreen PunchMax Protein PowerBowl. You need protein. You need all this protein in order to work out. Even if you’re not working out today. Or yesterday. Or tomorrow. You need it because every gram of protein helps you fill the hole in your heart that’s been there since Carrie left you.
Packed with a hundred grams of protein, the PunchMax Protein PowerBowl redefines what food can be. It’s mostly pieces of chicken liver strewn about on a bed of raw tuna arranged over a layer of bulgogi beef perched atop a pile of kinda damp deli turkey slathered with cashew butter and swimming in a puddle of raw milk. All of which is served in our fully recyclable cardboard bowl. It is sopping wet and dripping—with power. Also, it kind of looks like throw-up. PROTEIN throw-up. So carry this waterlogged container back to your desk to harvest all the energy you need to eat it at your desk. Feel the power coursing through your veins and watch a YouTube video about how running a SaaS B2B sales business is just like running the Roman Empire, while you also scroll Carrie’s Instagram on the burner account you made so she’d accept your follow request.
Do you understand what we’ve done? Because I don’t think you do. This is the single most protein-heavy bowl anyone has ever made. The only way it could have more protein in it would be if the bowl itself were made of protein. And trust me, buddy, we tried to make this bowl out of raw ground lamb, but it was just too sticky and also the beta-cuck health department said we couldn’t just hand out bowls made of uncooked meat. Bet the health department doesn’t even bench-press. If you eat the contents of this bowl, you will be able to bench-press. You will bench-press so much it will feel like you’re lifting the weight of knowing that Carrie used to love you for who you were and even once said that she wore perfume only so its scent would get onto you and then other women would know that you were spoken for. You’ll lift so much, you’ll forget the way, at the end, she looked at you, like, “Oh, I think my sister was right about you.”
We know what you need. No one else does. Only us. Don’t listen to Carrie, or to your parents, or to that stupid therapist Carrie recommended. What you need is protein. Delicious, chunky protein. That’s why you can also add protein powder to the bowl. That’s right. Add a little vanilla dust to your slop. Will it taste better? I don’t know. This meal is full of macros. What are macros? Who cares? You don’t need to know. What you need to know is that you are the alpha of this fast-healthy-adjacent bowl purveyor. All the other men here? Mere hobbits. You? You’re Aragorn dressed in L.L. Bean and Clark’s desert boots. You’re the Gandalf of incorporating A.I. into your client’s direct-sales platform. Screw that. You’re frickin’ Sauron, forging the One Ring so you can maximize shareholder value. You are the Lord of the Rings. You definitely know what those books are about. You don’t cry when Sam says, “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you.” Carrie! You don’t cry! Shut up, Carrie!
Also, the PunchMax Protein PowerBowl has only one thousand, one hundred and thirty-eight calories. That’s a deal. Because, when you think about it, that’s technically more calories than two McDonald’s Quarter Pounders. But Quarter Pounders have less protein. And also our bowl smells like Brussels sprouts, which is weird because there are ZERO Brussels sprouts in this bowl. Carrie liked Brussels sprouts. Eat more protein powder to dry out the tears!
In conclusion: Protein good. All other food bad. Carrie bad. Protein make brain forget. Protein make brain work good for to make world nice. Available now for a normal price to pay for a to-go lunch: $27.98. ♦
