In an administration stuffed to the gills with stupid and craven people who shouldn’t be allowed to run a lemonade stand, much less the federal government, FBI Director Kash Patel is one of the stupider and more craven creatures calling the shots.
Even by the low standards of 2025, Patel is embarrassingly bad at his job, and you can see it all over his face. He always looks vaguely consternated at learning he is the FBI director.
Because Patel seems to be aware, in some dim way, of his limitations, he knows he’s got to make the most of his time in the corridors of power. So why not grift for two?
Sure, you’re paying for him to fly on a private FBI government luxury jet from Las Vegas to his job in Washington D.C., where he does not live. And sure, you’re paying for him to fly from Vegas and D.C. to his girlfriend Alexis Wilkins’ house in Nashville, where he also does not live.
And sure, you’re paying for him to fly all across the country to see sporting events and to see Wilkins twangbellow at rubes who paid to attend a fifth-tier pro wrestling event. But what if you had the opportunity to just make sure your taxpayer dollars go directly to Wilkins as well?
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Yes, Wilkins and her pretend country singing career apparently require a full FBI SWAT team now—yes, a SWAT team. As in the people who have actual jobs keeping people in Nashville safe during the most critical emergencies. Sure, they wouldn’t be able to respond to a crisis in the Nashville area because of this, but what’s a little terror and trepidation and harm for the citizens of Nashville in the face of Alexis Wilkins needing a babysitter?
The justification is that Wilkins has received death threats because of her relationship with Patel. It comes in handy that since Patel heads the FBI, he gets to decide if his girlfriend needs a little extra protection and assign personnel accordingly.
But let’s pretend for a moment that Wilkins actually is facing threats because she is dating the dimmest man on Capitol Hill. Alexis and Kash—AlexiKash? Kashexis?—could save us all a lot of money by, say, tying the knot and moving to D.C. together. Where his job is. And where he already has a security detail. And wouldn’t need a private plane quite so often.
But per Patel, Wilkins must be protected at all costs because, well, let’s have the diehard romantic explain:
The disgustingly baseless attacks against Alexis — a true patriot and the woman I’m proud to call my partner in life — are beyond pathetic. She is a rock-solid conservative and a country music sensation who has done more for this nation than most will in ten lifetimes. I’m so blessed she’s in my life.
Yes, a random Nashville girl who can’t even break 500,000 streams for one of her tracks on Spotify and hasn’t released any music since 2023 and performs at crappy, low-rent conservative gatherings events like Turning Point USA and pro wrestling events on our dime is basically Abraham Lincoln. You got us there, Kash.
When all of this comes tumbling down, Patel better hope there is still a market in publishing poorly written children’s books about Donald Trump.
Related | Kash Patel can’t get enough of your cash
God, maybe poor Kash will just have to pivot to writing a new, terribly-illustrated hagiography for whoever succeeds Trump as MAGA king? Ugh, the children’s book about how Barron Trump defeated the cruel TikTok regulators is gonna be hard to illustrate.
