If you believe Elon Musk—though, honestly, why would you?—he is going to build eleventy billion humanoid robots that will do literally everything, ushering in an unprecedented era of peace and prosperity.
Elon Musk
Did we mention that—since Elon’s cultural reference points seem to be those of a tween who is convinced that, because he read one science fiction book, he is light-years beyond his peers—the dumb robots are named Optimus? As in Prime? Sigh.
In reality, these robots, whose existence will be just over the horizon forever, really only exist as a way for Musk to pretend that he’s worth the staggering pay packages his companies are foolish enough to give him.
So here are some things that Musk’s robots are totally, definitely, absolutely going to be able to do.
Get built!
Uh, yeah, as just a little bit of a threshold matter: they don’t exist yet. Tesla says there is an Optimus pilot production line and that the robots are being tested in Musk’s factories and offices.
But of course—though they’re apparently just at the “let the robots wander around the hallways” stage—by 2026, production will be in full swing, with 1 million units made per year by 2030—or it might be 2029.
Sure.
Be for everyone!
Musk is currently predicting that these things will sell for $20,000, which is just a wee bit out of the “purchase dozens of them for my home” range for most people. He also wants to have “strong influence” over his robot army.
How do you make the robot a ketamine-addled racist? More to the point, how do you make people want to pay mid-five figures for a ketamine-addled racist robot?
Destroy the carceral state!
Who knew Musk was such an abolitionist? Well, sure, he’s no doubt always been against prison for himself and his cronies, but Musk is nothing if not a man of the people—so he wants to make sure we all get the chance at forever freedom.
A Tesla robot is seen on display.
Where does Optimus figure in? Per Musk, his pretend robot may provide a “more humane form of containment of future crime.”
You know, we don’t generally try to contain future crime because of how it doesn’t exist yet and all. But since Musk has an unmatched ability to take the wrong lessons from the books he pretends to read, he seems to think that Philip K. Dick’s PreCrime system in “The Minority Report” was inspirational rather than dystopian.
In Musk’s brave new world—probably another book where he missed the point—one day, you could get a free Optimus to follow you around and prevent you from committing crimes.
“But other than that you get to do anything,” Musk said.
Okay, but can the robot score us some ketamine?
Go to Mars!
SpaceX is going to Mars—and it will take Optimus! Next year! And then humans will join them in 2029! Or 2031!
Sure …
Back in 2017, Musk said that people would be on Mars by 2024, but maybe he was just waiting for Optimus.
Oh, and he will also need to stop his SpaceX rockets from exploding for this to work.
Fold shirts!
Elon released a promo video of Optimus folding a shirt—except he later had to admit that Optimus couldn’t do it “autonomously.” Isn’t being able to do things autonomously kind of the whole point of robots?
Eliminate poverty!
A Tesla Cybertruck is seen on display.
Okay, let’s see if you can follow the math. The robots will cost about $20,000 each, but they will also be so ubiquitous and freely available that none of us will need to have jobs, and we will get a universal high income because those robots will be so much more productive than human plebes.
But it isn’t really clear how this robot-based economy would quite work. You have to find the money to buy your robots, unless you are a criminal and get a surveillance one for free. But once you have the robots, they will be so productive that you’ll quit your job but somehow still have access to an infinite money spigot.
Feels like Musk, the world’s richest man, could just directly give us all money rather than force this Rube Goldberg nonsense.
Babysit!
Imagine your precious darlings in the care of a glitchy robot strongly influenced by Musk. Do you think your baby wants some ketamine?
Save Tesla!
Somehow, the thing that does not yet exist is going to become 80% of Tesla’s value. Musk explained this in his “Master Plan Part IV” video.
Yes, Optimus will somehow make Tesla worth $25 trillion—because this man is a toddler with a toddler’s understanding of money.
Be a heart surgeon!
Come on. Optimus is not going to be “better than the best human surgeon.”
But just to be sure, why doesn’t Musk be the first to go under the robot’s knife?
