Tamar Mendelson is the director of the Center for Adolescent Health at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health.
U.S. News: Are there any upsides to the stresses that students go through as part of the application process?
Mendelson: The college application process taps into fundamental sources of anxiety.
- These include being evaluated, facing possible rejection and planning for a future one has limited control over.
- While the prospect of heading to college is hopefully an exciting one, this upcoming transition into a new and more independent chapter of life can understandably also stir up anxiety. It’s a big step.
The good news is that navigating the process effectively can refine your child’s goals and enhance their coping skills and confidence.
- Selecting potential schools and writing personal essays nudge a young person toward greater self-knowledge and clarity of purpose.
- The months of planning, preparation and waiting build their stamina for sustained effort on a complex project and their capacity to tolerate uncertainty – skills that will serve them well in adult life.
- At the end of the journey, your child will have a lot to be proud of!
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U.S. News: What mistakes should parents avoid when addressing a child’s application stress as the deadline nears?
Mendelson: Don’t let your own stress or anxiety drive your behavior. Instead, do these things.
- Avoid taking over the application process completely, which sends the message to your child that you don’t believe they can handle it.
- Instead, offer support and structure in a more collaborative way.
- Work together with your child to make a timeline, mapping out when they will complete key tasks to avoid a last-minute crunch.
- Help your child break tasks into small, manageable chunks and check in on their progress.
If you are frustrated with your child’s progress, avoid berating or belittling them. This will only escalate tensions, reduce your child’s confidence and make it that much harder for them to make progress on applications.
The familiar airplane instruction to secure your own oxygen mask first is relevant here. Manage your own emotions so that you can be responsive to what your child needs.
U.S. News: How can parents help manage their child’s stress around the college application process?
Mendelson: Modeling effective planning skills, emotion regulation and self-care can go a long way toward reducing your child’s stress.
- Help your child get started on the process early so they have ample time.
- Encourage them to take good care of themselves by engaging in physical activity, eating balanced meals, getting adequate sleep, undertaking fun activities and spending time with friends.
Also make sure to check in with your child.
- While some stress is to be expected, be alert for signs of serious distress.
- Significant changes in your child’s mood or behavior, including withdrawing from people and activities they enjoy, can be a sign of mental health challenges and a signal to seek care from a mental health professional.
Lastly, frame the application process in ways that highlight your child’s agency and worth.
- Rather than searching for the “perfect” college – which sets your child up for failure if they aren’t accepted – remind them there are many schools where they can thrive.
- Ask them which colleges have features that will best support their specific learning style, interests and goals.
- Manage expectations around acceptance and highlight that one’s worth and potential are not linked to college acceptances.
After all, whichever college they attend is less important than the opportunities they embrace there, the knowledge they pursue and the relationships they form.
