So you’re nine and a half months pregnant, and you’re starting to wonder: When do I get this baby out of me? It’s a great question, but one that defies easy answers. To make things a bit simpler, here are some guidelines for when to seek medical attention for your upcoming delivery.
Don’t go to the hospital when you start having painless contractions. These can begin weeks before the baby is due to arrive, and you’ll probably get sent right back home. It’s also not time to go to the hospital when you begin spotting. If you’re a woman, you’ve been spotting regularly since you were about twelve, so this tells you nothing.
Just because you’re dilated doesn’t mean there’s any reason to head to the hospital. For one thing, you have no idea whether or not you’re dilated unless you’re already at the hospital, so in that sense it’s a non-starter. Also, it all depends on where you’re dilated. If it’s your eyes, for example, that’s unrelated to birthing.
If your contractions are more than ten minutes apart, it’s not time to go to the hospital yet. Instead, just sit on your bouncy ball and wait another few months until your baby is ready to stop bouncing.
Losing your mucus plug is a sign that labor might be starting, but there’s no reason to run out the door. Instead, try to distract yourself for a while. If you want ideas for how to do that, maybe Google the genius who thought that “mucus plug” was a charming term for something that emerges from a pregnant body.
Nausea can be a sign that labor is approaching, but it’s also a sign of so many other things—reading the news, for example. Stay put.
So, you’re on the toilet, and everything is red. You might assume that you’ve had your “bloody show.” This doesn’t mean you need to leap into action—at least, not until you’ve confirmed that it’s not just fruit punch. No reason to rush to the labor and delivery ward. Take a few deep breaths and try to focus on other things, like why you might be bleeding fruit punch.
Some people say that it’s time to go to the hospital when your butthole gets engaged. I disagree—we all deserve happiness, even buttholes. Congrats to the happy couple.
Perhaps your contractions are now five to seven minutes apart. Yes, technically this is a clue that it’s time to go to the hospital, but it’s entirely possible that you miscounted. You’re in labor; you’re not thinking clearly. Just stay put and keep counting until the baby comes.
If you think it’s time to go, it’s time to stay—said the musical artist George Michael.
Whoosh! Your water just broke. That doesn’t mean that the hospital is your next move. Obviously not! You need to clean your floor first. Or do you want your baby to come home to a Slip ’N Slide?
O.K., your baby is crowning a little bit, but, occasionally, the baby goes in and out a few times. It all depends on how many weeks of winter are left. Or something like that.
The baby has fully emerged from your uterus, and you’re still at home. At this point, you may be wondering: Shouldn’t I be at the hospital? Did I make a mistake and stay home too long? How do I get this baby a birth certificate? Or a Social Security number? These are all fair questions, but that doesn’t mean it’s time to go to the hospital. For one thing, your baby doesn’t need an S.S.N.—it’s not like it has any chance of ever receiving Social Security payments.
So, when should you go to the hospital for childbirth? Whenever you want the epidural.♦
